Monthly Archives: September 2009

What should i do~?

Assalamualaikum….

Selamat menyambut Eidul Fitri buat semua muslimin dan muslimat di muka bumi Allah… ūüėČ

Well,for sure it has been more than a month since the last time i wrote here… I spared my life for the last Ramadhan, focusing on my ibadah…that’s why i don’t really have time to come here to “dump” my thoughts…

anyway, it was so overwhelming for a couple of last weeks… felt like i’m losing myself… felt like i was in the air… noticing people without people noticing me… i couldn’t focus on myself… especially my heart…my innerself, felt like it was beaten again and again which i couldn’t help it… honestly, these moments are the most devastating time in my life… i lose myself… i really do~…

19 September 2009

It¬†was the last day of Ramadhan… Although i was very sad because this holy month¬†was going to end, at the same time i was happy because all of my siblings were here with me to celebrate Eidul Fitri…but there is one thing…¬†i didn’t know why but there is one thing has become a haunted expression whenever i felt this way… each time i’m feeling like having a best friend, i don’t know how but i will lose it…. and this time,i can feel that ¬†i’m losing it again…

I still remember back then when i was studying for my degree, i thought i have found a very good friend that i can count on and depend on…i was so happy, i never felt that way to have such a friend to share everything with… but then, ” a love” come to her…it was okay with me but ¬†i was so~ confused with her ignorance towards me… we used to do a lot of things together, eating, studying, watching movies, hang out…too many memories~… it was so sudden she dumped me just like that…like i’m no one to her… i didn’t ask her to do anything for me, i just want to be with my friend…or maybe i’m the only one who thinks that she is my very good friend… it feel like¬†i was¬†being used,she come to me when she need somebody to talk and left me behind if she met her guy…is that so?i still remember, it was in the month of Ramadhan… i still remember, i break my fast for the whole month all by myself…with nobody… because i didn’t want her to feel guilty of leaving me alone to break fast with her guy… well, that’s it… it was too painful… at last, there is a very important person in my life gave a very meaningful advise that i’ll use it until today each time i face a dilemma… he said to me “I have to let it go~”…

It was hard actually..it was very difficult…but finally, i managed to let it go… i feel so calm and i knew she’s also happy with her life now… alhamdulillah… ūüôā

20 September 2009

It was 1 Syawal 1430… that day is hari raya~… i went to masjid with my sister and mother to perform solat sunat Eidul Fitri… when we went home, it’s a tradition to seek forgiveness among us, especially with parents… somehow, i don’t know why but i didn’t feel the same way as i did last years… i can feel each of my brothers and sister were different from who they used to be… i don’t know why, but frankly i feel so sad… i wish we were like before… but when i think back, i realize one thing… once you are a human, you’ll change… and that’s what happening to us, we’re changing…. and i do miss our last time together…. it feels like i’m gonna have to use the advise again… i have to let it go… i know i’m gonna miss those time, but i have to let it go…. i have to…if not,i’ll be in pain… i am in pain right now… it is because i still not ready to let it go…that’s why i dump my feelings here… i’m so stress…

I think a lot of things… too many things in my mind~…

How am i going to finish my masters? there are so~ many things need to be done and i believe with Allah’s help, i can finish my masters.. i know i can…i just need to be hardworking and optimistic…insyaAllah…

I’m now in the middle of twenties, i don’t deny it is best for me to get married… but i do belive in Allah’s fate, if He decides that i’m ready to carry the responsibilities, i’ll settle down… but, people keep pushing me… stressing me out… like i’m sinful woman¬†just because¬†i still did not get married… i can manage it if people are saying those things to me, but i can’t stand if my own family are attacking me with the same issue…i feel so down… that’s when i realize, i cannot depend on anyone except Allah… I know He decides what is best for me… and i believe Him…

In my life, i always wanted a best friend…someone i can share everything, my thoughts, my secrets,¬†who i really am… just like Rasulullah with his companions…but each time i started to feel that way to somebody, Allah will put me into tests… i’ll lose the person that i’m¬†so comfortable with to another guy… my friendship always cannot defeat their loves… i’m pretty sure they’ll choose love,not friendship…as people are saying, a love comes once in your life, but friends will come and go so many times… i realize then, i don’t want a best friend anymore… i’ll be happier to have a thousand of friends around me… i’ll reserve the “best friend” part to my soul mate,insyaAllah… friends are friends, and that’s it… do not hope for more, you’ll just put yourself in pain…

What should i do? I’ll try my best to solve and bear with whatever tests Allah puts on me, the rest i’ll leave it to Him…

there are lot more things… but it is best for me to stop here… i cannot bear the pain as i’m writing… hehe~… let’s hope our life will always be blessed by Allah… May Allah forgive us….ameen~…

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