What should i do~?

Assalamualaikum….

Selamat menyambut Eidul Fitri buat semua muslimin dan muslimat di muka bumi Allah… 😉

Well,for sure it has been more than a month since the last time i wrote here… I spared my life for the last Ramadhan, focusing on my ibadah…that’s why i don’t really have time to come here to “dump” my thoughts…

anyway, it was so overwhelming for a couple of last weeks… felt like i’m losing myself… felt like i was in the air… noticing people without people noticing me… i couldn’t focus on myself… especially my heart…my innerself, felt like it was beaten again and again which i couldn’t help it… honestly, these moments are the most devastating time in my life… i lose myself… i really do~…

19 September 2009

It was the last day of Ramadhan… Although i was very sad because this holy month was going to end, at the same time i was happy because all of my siblings were here with me to celebrate Eidul Fitri…but there is one thing… i didn’t know why but there is one thing has become a haunted expression whenever i felt this way… each time i’m feeling like having a best friend, i don’t know how but i will lose it…. and this time,i can feel that  i’m losing it again…

I still remember back then when i was studying for my degree, i thought i have found a very good friend that i can count on and depend on…i was so happy, i never felt that way to have such a friend to share everything with… but then, ” a love” come to her…it was okay with me but  i was so~ confused with her ignorance towards me… we used to do a lot of things together, eating, studying, watching movies, hang out…too many memories~… it was so sudden she dumped me just like that…like i’m no one to her… i didn’t ask her to do anything for me, i just want to be with my friend…or maybe i’m the only one who thinks that she is my very good friend… it feel like i was being used,she come to me when she need somebody to talk and left me behind if she met her guy…is that so?i still remember, it was in the month of Ramadhan… i still remember, i break my fast for the whole month all by myself…with nobody… because i didn’t want her to feel guilty of leaving me alone to break fast with her guy… well, that’s it… it was too painful… at last, there is a very important person in my life gave a very meaningful advise that i’ll use it until today each time i face a dilemma… he said to me “I have to let it go~”…

It was hard actually..it was very difficult…but finally, i managed to let it go… i feel so calm and i knew she’s also happy with her life now… alhamdulillah… 🙂

20 September 2009

It was 1 Syawal 1430… that day is hari raya~… i went to masjid with my sister and mother to perform solat sunat Eidul Fitri… when we went home, it’s a tradition to seek forgiveness among us, especially with parents… somehow, i don’t know why but i didn’t feel the same way as i did last years… i can feel each of my brothers and sister were different from who they used to be… i don’t know why, but frankly i feel so sad… i wish we were like before… but when i think back, i realize one thing… once you are a human, you’ll change… and that’s what happening to us, we’re changing…. and i do miss our last time together…. it feels like i’m gonna have to use the advise again… i have to let it go… i know i’m gonna miss those time, but i have to let it go…. i have to…if not,i’ll be in pain… i am in pain right now… it is because i still not ready to let it go…that’s why i dump my feelings here… i’m so stress…

I think a lot of things… too many things in my mind~…

How am i going to finish my masters? there are so~ many things need to be done and i believe with Allah’s help, i can finish my masters.. i know i can…i just need to be hardworking and optimistic…insyaAllah…

I’m now in the middle of twenties, i don’t deny it is best for me to get married… but i do belive in Allah’s fate, if He decides that i’m ready to carry the responsibilities, i’ll settle down… but, people keep pushing me… stressing me out… like i’m sinful woman just because i still did not get married… i can manage it if people are saying those things to me, but i can’t stand if my own family are attacking me with the same issue…i feel so down… that’s when i realize, i cannot depend on anyone except Allah… I know He decides what is best for me… and i believe Him…

In my life, i always wanted a best friend…someone i can share everything, my thoughts, my secrets, who i really am… just like Rasulullah with his companions…but each time i started to feel that way to somebody, Allah will put me into tests… i’ll lose the person that i’m so comfortable with to another guy… my friendship always cannot defeat their loves… i’m pretty sure they’ll choose love,not friendship…as people are saying, a love comes once in your life, but friends will come and go so many times… i realize then, i don’t want a best friend anymore… i’ll be happier to have a thousand of friends around me… i’ll reserve the “best friend” part to my soul mate,insyaAllah… friends are friends, and that’s it… do not hope for more, you’ll just put yourself in pain…

What should i do? I’ll try my best to solve and bear with whatever tests Allah puts on me, the rest i’ll leave it to Him…

there are lot more things… but it is best for me to stop here… i cannot bear the pain as i’m writing… hehe~… let’s hope our life will always be blessed by Allah… May Allah forgive us….ameen~…

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Day before Ramadhan~…

My life has become quite busy this month… a lot of things need to be done, must meet the dateline… plus with masters which still need to go on… i have to say,it’s quite a tough month for me…

But… alhamdulillah, no matter how hard and difficult it was, i managed to deal with it.. maybe this is some kind of test that i have to go through since tomorrow is Ramadhan… alhamdulillah, thanks to Allah… i still have the chance to meet ramadhan again this year… (^_^)…

Well… there’s something i would like to share on how’s my life has been through before this holy month arrive…

This is where i do the "struggling" of getting my paper done~...

This is where i do the "struggling" of getting my paper done~...

Also...i have to struggle with "pilihanraya" heat!! (this is actually just in front of my house!!)

Also...i have to struggle with "pilihanraya" heat!! (this is actually just in front of my house!!)

Tadaa~...this is the path to go to my house...(the only way i can go home!)

Tadaa~...this is the path to go to my house...(the only way i can go home!)

There~ is the place where i come 5 times a week for the last one year...to do research, of course!

There~ is the place where i come 5 times a week for the last one year...to do research, of course!

(^_^)…. all of them, happened just before Ramadhan… to everyone i know, and to all Muslims in the world,  let’s celebrate Ramadhan… may we get Allah’s blessings in this holy month, insyaAllah…

p/s: Actually today we had makan-makan at one of my friends house nearby my workplace… it’s too good to be true to place the picture in here… i better just keep it to myself… hehe~… love y’all! (>_<)

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Kasih sayang rumput~…

Pada suatu hari, di sebuah sekolah ada seorang murid yang penuh rasa ingin tahu bertanya kepada gurunya. Ketika itu, guru tersebut sedang mengajar tentang kasih sayang.

Pelajar : Cikgu, macam mana kita nak pilih seseorang yang terbaik sebagai orang yang paling kita sayang? Bagaimana kita nak jaga kasih sayang itu agar berkekalan?

Cikgu : Ok,kamu ikut apa yang saya suruh. Sekarang saya nak kamu pergi ke padang sekolah. Semasa kamu berjalan di atas padang,saya nak kamu pandang pada rumput di depan kamu. Kemudian, saya nak kamu pilih rumput yang paling cantik tanpa menoleh ke belakang walau sekalipun. Sesudah kamu cabut rumput yang paling cantik, sila bawa ke kelas…

Setelah mendengar arahan dari gurunya,pelajar tersebut keluar dari kelas menuju ke padang sekolah, tidak jauh dari bilik darjahnya. Apabila pelajar tersebut pulang semula ke kelas,tiada sehelai rumput pun ada di tangannya. Cikgu dan murid-murid lain merasa hairan,lalu bertanya kepada pelajar tersebut…

Cikgu : Kenapa tiada sehelai rumput pun yang kamu pilih?

Pelajar : Tadi semasa saya berjalan, saya cuba cari rumput yang paling hijau dan cantik. Memang ada banyak yang cantik,tapi cikgu minta saya pilih yang paling cantik,maka saya pun terus berjalan ke depan sambil mencari yang paling cantik tanpa menoleh ke belakang.

Pelajar itu meyambung lagi…

Pelajar : Saya terus berjalan sampai ke penghujung padang, saya tak jumpa pun satu yang paling cantik. Mungkin ada di antara rumput di belakang saya tadi rumput yang paling cantik, tapi bila saya teringat cikgu cakap tak boleh menoleh ke belakang semula, jadi tiadalah rumput yang boleh saya pilih…

Cikgu : Ya..sebenarnya itulah jawapan kepada soalan kamu.Maknanya, apabila kita telah berjumpa dengan seseorang yang kita sayang, janganlah kita memilih yang lebih baik dari itu, kerana kita patut menghargai orang yang berada di depan kita sebaik-baiknya… Jangan kita menoleh ke belakang lagi kerana apa yang berlaku tetap sudah berlaku.

Semoga yang telah berlalu tidak berulang lagi, dan ingatlah… orang yang paling kita sayang itulah yang paling cantik dan paling baik, walaupun nak ikutkan banyak lagi yang cantik dan baik… fikir-fikirkanlah…

P/S: I love you…whoever you are… ;-)

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Dendam durian~ si kecil…

Abangku,sepupuku Tep (bukan nama sebenar…(b_d) ) dan kulit durian….

Aku ingat lagi, ketika umur aku baru nak cecah enam tahun, aku bukanlah budak perempuan yang tipikal… yang jenis pakai skirt kembang, baju bunga-bunga, kasut ala-ala barbie doll,ikat tocang dua… oh,that is so~ not me!! (^_^) aku lebih selesa pakai seluar pendek,t-shirt belang, dengan selipar jepun and my hair was so~ freaking short bila keluar bermain dengan abang aku n kawan-kawannya… sounds not so~ encouraging,huh? but that was me when i was a kid… heheh~… sekali pandang macam budak laki-laki… that’s why laa i can say at that time, almost everyday kami kena balun(pukul atau rotan) dengan ayah yang ketika itu sangat tegas dan garang!

Well…nak dijadikan cerita, suatu petang , my parents weren’t at home, maybe keluar pegi kenduri or something… so, only me and brother yang stayed at home at that time… bila dah tinggal kami je, mula la keluar tanduk setan kecil nak semakkan rumah… haha~( i was so~ naughty girl at those time!).. my brother pun ajakla my cousin, Tep datang mandi-mandi kat rumah kami… aku memang la seronok sebab kami selalu mandi ban(tali air yang dekat sawah tu)  bila waktu petang… so,bila Tep datang, aku pun dah get ready la nak join diorang mandi-mandi kat kolah bilik air… tetiba je abang aku bersuara….

Abang: Dik, hang mana leh mandi dengan kami!!

Aku : Pasaipa pulak?! Tak kira, orang nak mandi jugak dengan hangpa!

Abang & Tep : Tak buleh!! Hang tu budak pompuan, mana buleh mandi dengan budak laki, tak baik tau…satgi mak marah!

Lepas tu abang aku dengan Tep terus masuk bilik air, kunci and bising-bising kat dalam bilik air dengan bunyi simbahan air yang kuat ditambah dengan lalakan yang menyakitkan hati dan jiwa… aku menangis kat luar, ketuk  pintu bilik air berdentam dentum, tapi tak dipedulikan mereka… aku rasa marah sangat, tak paham kenapa diorang tak kasi aku mandi dengan diorang (budak 6 tahun masa tu mana reti beza laki pompuan nih~…)…

Tetiba ja aku nampak kulit durian yang mak aku kopek semalam… tak tahu la setan tanduk mana yang hasut aku, tetiba

durian oh~ durian....

durian oh~ durian....

aku dapat idea nak sakitkan hati abang n cousin aku… so, tanpa berfikir panjang, aku kutip kulit durian tu, dan susun di depan pintu bilik air n sepanjang jalan sampai tak nampak lantai… tujuan aku,bila diorang keluar je dari bilik air, tidak dapat tidak, diorang memang terpaksa merelakan kaki diorang pijak kulit durian tuh…. huwargggghhh~….I’m so~ terrible at that time… bleh tahan jahat n nakal gak aku masa kecil dulu yek!!

So, what i do, i just sit there and wait for them to come out… aku dengar bunyi simbahan air dah berhenti, aku tau diorang dah habis mandi… so,by the time diorang bukak je pintu bilik air, terus diorang menjerit2 kesakitan sebab anywhere yang diorang pijak, sure terpijak kulit durian… i was laughing so~ badly bila tengok diorang macam tu… ish.. ish… i still couldn’t believe i was that nasty… hahahaha~… habis lubang-lubang tapak kaki abang n Tep dek penangan kulit durian tuh… kesian jugak sebenarnya… huhu~… nasib baik tak berdarah…

Bila my parents dah balik, memang la aku kena bantai teruk dengan mak ayah aku… but inside my heart, i was so relieved that my dendam to my brother and my cousin, terbalas… hahahaha~… nakal sangat!! (^_^)

p/s: I truly miss my childhood… so much fun and joy~…to my brother and cousin, i’m so sorry back then, i love you guys~… (^_^)

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Do not force yourself~….

What you give,you’ll get back~….

Well…some people believe when you do good deeds to others, good things will come to you…then,i guess that the same things will work  the other way around?Hmm..maybe…w ho knows?(^_^)

In Islam,the believers are encouraged to do good deeds and good things to others regardless of their religions,races and of course their colours… why? for the sake of Allah, The Almighty… He had given so~ many things to us in our lives, as our gratitude, we must obey what He told us to…and leave what He forbid…

It was just recently when i realized that, i always trying so~ hard to please others… i mean, i always wanted to make

mi

.....????

people around me feel happy.. especially those who are really close to me, my family and my friends, of course…. Frankly to say, i just can’t stand to see them look so~ sad and miserable… what i notice that, I’ll try my best to keep them feel calm, comfortable and most importantly, happy~… when i was around them… but, unfortunately it seems that the other way around usually happened!

I felt like, the more i tried to please them, then the more they’ll get sad or hurt… it was really torturing to watch someone that you care to feel that way… especially when you were intent to make them happy…it’s tearing up my heart…:-( if i failed to bring a smile on their face, i always blame myself… what kind of friend or a sister or a daughter am i? I’ll ask the same question again and again every time i saw them with a sad face… their eyes just can’t lie to me as they were hurt inside….

Don’t force yourself to please people that you can’t… i guess i have to listen to this advice… all i wanted to do is to see everybody that important and special to me being happy… especially my mom and dad… i wish i’m a good daughter… i’ll try to change myself… to become a better daughter, a good sister, a reliable friend , a better person and an obey slave to my God… insyaAllah~… ameen… 🙂

p/s: maybe someday I’ll get married, i would like to become a loving and caring wife and a respectful mother,to my husband and children~… 😉

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kifarah…?

Lately,I always get sick…maybe it is kifarah for me… for keep neglecting my responsibilities as a muslim, for having too much fun~… i think that is why i keep getting sick~….(~_~)

27 May

I was sick for the whole day… i didn’t feel very well the night before,then that day i kept throwing out things that i ate… it was so~ miserable and torturing for me to feel this way… my head was so~ in pain, really hurt… it feels like it’s gonna explode!! i can barely touched my head since it was really hurt…aaahhh~, i really hope i didn’t have to feel the same pain again~… na’uzubillah~… 😦 huhu~…

Today i still feel a bit dizzy…(@_@)…

I wish i have a healthy body….alhamdulillah~… I’m thankful enough for what Allah has given me~…

p/s: “This world is full of beauty, as other worlds above, and if we did our duty, it might be as full of love”. Gerald Massey

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those memories~…

Life is so~ unpredictable….

I still remember when I was in secondary school…I was 14 years-old at that time and only get to know that this world is actually very tough to deal with… a year before i still remember,there is one boy that i really admired… the way he looks,acts, and talks… frankly,everything and anything  that he did,I’ll keep my eyes on him… the funny thing is, there was one time, i felt that that i couldn’t control the way i feel towards him anymore, my heart felt like it’s going to explode everytime i looked at him,so i decided that i wanted to confess my feelings towards him… hahaha~… i think that is the foolest and dumbiest thing i ever done in my life… 😉 however, i didn’t regret i told him how i felt towards him.. although he just kept quiet and never really admit he hate it or like it, i’m so thankful because what happened back then really taught me a lot of things…

...love...

...love...

Come to think of it…it is so~ funny why i behaved that way and why i was so crazy about him… yet i knew at the same time he got no idea how that feeling was killing me inside… when i think about it, i feel so~ stupid to behave that way just because i like him…eventhough if in that time he also like me, can i guarantee he’ll act the same way as i am? now i feel vey stupid~…aaaahh~..wish it never happen… (~_~)

However…now, i’m positively sure that i’m happier, and more pleasant with my life,alhamdulillah… i’m surrounded with my family, my friends… and one person that i put in a special place in my heart~…(^_^) that person is my best friend….

What happened in the past,left to be memories…the most important is what happen now~…

Thank you…for allowing yourselves to be in my life’s chapters… I love you all~….

p/s: grateful and thankful to have been where i have been~….

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